December 2020
Someone said to me “I bet you’ll be relieved when 2020 is over...”
And that hit me. Not in the way I expected it to.
It hit me because my immediate response was “NO”. No, I don’t want 2020 to finish…………ever.
Because in 2020, my brother was still alive for the first 6 months. He was still alive and I could speak to him, see him, hear him, message him…………..and he’d respond. He would answer. He would smile, he would laugh. He would be there.
2020 is a year I will never forget. It has changed the world. It has changed our own worlds. It has changed everything.
Just writing this now, fills me with so much emotion. A mix of happy memories, joy, life, love.......blended in with tears of sadness, sorrow, loss, emptiness 😔
I’m holding on to 2020 because it feels like I’m holding onto my brother. When the clock strikes at midnight on 31 December 2020, I will cry 😢 .... I will cry my heart out. I will feel like I’ve lost my brother all over again. I will feel he is further away. I can see my hand holding his and he’s letting go. He’s letting go and drifting away and I’m alone. My heart is broken. I’m alone 😢
When I think about what our parents are going through, I cannot even begin to imagine. How are they still going, doing everyday life? How? How do they do this? It breaks my heart to know they are hurting and in so much pain and I can’t make it better for them. No one can 🙏
This is when I have to breathe. And remind myself that Stuart has transitioned, he didn’t die, he just transitioned back into his spirit 🕊He’s well, he’s watching over us, he’s with me now. I just can’t physically see him, and that’s what hurts so much right now. I want to see him so much. I want to give him such a big hug and tell him I love him 💙 I want to tell him he was and still is the best best best brother and I’m sorry I never told him, but I hope he knows this, I really hope he knows this. I have tears flowing down my face right now. I need to breathe. Just breathe........
Stuart has given me the courage to be me. To live my dreams. We are brought up that dreams are not real and we need to focus on academics and such like. Sod that! Our life is our life. It’s what we make it. It’s not for someone else to tell us what to do, how we should be, how we should think. We are all perfectly capable of being our true authentic selves and I think that’s what Stuart was trying to do and be. Love and kindness – 2 of Stu’s biggest strengths. He made sure others felt loved and were cared for, no matter what 💕. He was, and is, an angel of kindness and I will carry this on for you my brother, I will continue this for you with every single person I meet. That’s a promise 🙏
So, I’m still working through 2020 and how I will be able to transition to 2021 in a more serving, beneficial and positive way. I’m not there yet…………..one day at a time, one moment at a time, one step at a time. One thought can make all the difference 💛
Today, I say thank you to 2020 for opening up my eyes to believe in myself and to help others believe in themselves too 💚
2020 has actually been the biggest most impactful, insightful and challenging year so far. Life is precious. Life is short. Live your life now, not tomorrow, not next year or in 10 years…………live your life now, because you are you and that’s what makes each and everyone of us special.
Linzi x
